Its funny looking back at times gone by. The feelings I felt and the people who have come in to teach me something and left when I learned what they had to show. In this past year, I've learned that I really dont know how to read people. I thought I was pretty good at it but from all the drama that steamed out of the friendships I've made and lost, I realized that people arent always who they appear to be. And it'll take years of knowing them to truely know who they are. Thinking that someone was my best friend backfired on me and she proved that she was everything I thought she wasnt. All on some facts that I had seen in a short period of time. I judged too quickly and ended up with the short end of the stick. The only friendships that last are ones that both people try to keep up. Friendships and fizzle as quickly as they start if the people involved dont care. And honestly, I dont give a damn about some of them. People come and go in life but as I always think, "everything happens for a reason."

Im learning that with how messed up I feel like my life is, I always find a way to come out on top. I've been through so much hardache and loss that Im hesitant to fall in love. But here I am, more than 2 years after first feeling something. Madly in love with a great guy. Oh the things I know now that I didnt know freshman year. But what fun would it have been to know all these things. What if I did know that I would finish my major in time? I probably wouldnt have tried to "catch up" when really I was ahead and met "him." I wouldnt be the president of the Fashion Club. I wouldnt have had the experience I got to have last year, participating in my first fashion show. I wouldnt have this job I have. I wouldnt know my true and greatest inspiration. I wouldnt be as happy. Without pain, happiness is just mediocre. All of the stress and pain and sleepless night brought me to where I am today. I know Im not perfect and I have so much more I want in life and should do, but Im pretty happy with where I am. And its an amazing feeling.

And as the great Theodore Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss) said "Four Fluffy Feathers on a Fiffer Feffer Fef."

Oh and "be who you are, and say what you feel, because those you mind dont matter, and those who matter dont mind. " :D

Impossible really is nothing. I cant wait to see what hurdles I tackle next.

 Its funny how right I was 8 months ago.

Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am a utopian citizen
I'm still convinced
There's no such thing as idealism

Memories they're following me like a shadow now
And I'm dreamin'
Cause I've already suffered the fever of disbelief

I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were

It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn't soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I'm mesmerized by the picture that's in my mind

Tell me when I'll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
'Cause I don't want to keep on believin' in illusions

No no no

Cause I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were

It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
I wish you were here

Sometimes I can't explain
And I'm so sorry that I can't
I'll try to concentrate
On your true identity

Cause I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were

It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were

I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were

It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were

I wish you were here... Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
I wish you were here... Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
I wish you were here...
I wish you were here...
I wish you were here...

So I was pretty much going to write a ranting entry about how stressed I am and how much I'm freaking out cause this week is my finals week cause I'm a design major and our finals are due on the last day of classes and what not, but I decided to check my friends page before I started. The first entry I saw was one from a friend of mine who I haven't talked to in a while but she updates often and always has something interesting to say, so I started reading. She was talking about how with every action we do, we are making a choice and it got me thinking about a situation that happened about a week and a half ago. I was ready to make a hasty decision that could've hurt not only the other person's life but also the people around him and myself as well. I chose to sleep on my thoughts (though I didn't get much rest) and decided in the morning to just not care anymore. Yeah, what that person did hurt a lot and violated any trust between us, but it brought me closer to some of the other people in my life. I was able to open up to someone I wanted to be closer to but always found myself pushing away whenever I tried. The situation showed me who my real friends were.... the ones who stuck by my side when I needed someone, anyone to keep me sane and from taking irrational
actions.

We chose to do the things we do, sometimes we regret them, but we know we can't change them though we often wish we could. But if we could change one thing, how many other things would be different? Its the butterfly effect. Whenever I do a myspace survey, I always see those questions that say "If you could go back in time, what's one thing you'd change?" I can never think of one thing because I think about everything that one thing could've had an effect on and I wonder how many more lives would've been different had that one event not occurred?

Everything happens for a reason. We always have a choice. The things we do have a consequence.

I know I can't change the past, I can only do better for the future. I'll learn from my mistakes, but keep on living life my way. Whatever happens, happens. Only I can control myself and what the future lies ahead.

I've been getting way too stressed way too easily recently. I had a huge midterm that I failed, then a paper I had to write, another midterm for another class and then a movie project to do.

The movie project was ok until my a good chunk of my group decided to suck when it came to communicating -_- and then we ended up having to do more than half the filming in one day... the day of my birthday, the one day I didnt want to work. AND on top of that... most of the group was only available for parts of the day and a lot of the times didnt match up, but I was at all of it that day... I missed out on a birthday dinner with my friends because I was helping with the filming when 5ish of the other people were "busy" or "going home." I would've loved to go home or do something other than film for a total of 7 hours when I "couldn't" originally film that day. It just irritates me that my some of my group members didn't work as hard as my friend and I did on this movie and they might recieve the same grade we did. Some of the people in my group worked just as hard or pretty dang close (they did what they could) but some didnt help as much as they could've.

My friend: filmed ALL of the movie(multiple angles & shots), spliced all the clips, edited all of the clips, added the music I found, drove around to try to find someone who could burn our dvd for us cause it was too big to transfer at first, and stressed out with me when we couldnt get the movie to burn/transfer and when we had major technical difficulties.

I: wrote the original script, was at ~60% (if not more) of the filming, found the music to be used in the movie, attempted to burn the cd, stressed out with my friend when we couldnt get the movie to burn/transfer and when we had major technical difficulties, and went around Davis looking for someone to burn our movie for us.

We were lucky that one of our friends from the dorms is like a pro at the whole Dvd burning thing and figured it out about 3 hours ago (at like 3am ish) it took him 2 hours to figure it out and he was supposed to be studying for an OChem midterm but he did this for us cause he's the awesomest person in the whole world!!!!

When I got home I was determined to try to figure something out so I ate some coffee ice cream and a Go Girl! energy drink so I have quite a bit of caffeine running through my system... and I cant sleep... :-\ but the movie is done!!

Its been a while since I've posted in this and I know like only one person actually reads this but I dont care who reads this, which is why its on public. I just have to get some stuff off my mind and this is the only place I felt like doing it cause I was already on the laptop.

Truth is something we like to share, as opposed to lies and deceit. We tell people things and we hear things people say that we can only hope are the truth. When we know someone is going to disapprove in something we believe in, we have a tendency to not want to lie, but not to tell the truth. But when we trust that person enough, we will tell them the truth no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts. The people who tell us how it is, are our true friends. Those people are hard to find. I've noticed that I've had to be fake to so many people here and it hurts when I think back on it. It used to just be to acquaintances but recently its been happening to friends, "close friends." I hate the way I have to see someone hurt themselves without even knowing it, just by the habits they do. I hate how it increasingly gets worse and worse, day by day, and that I know how the people she cares about the most are slipping away and caring less and less about her because she wont listen to them and she therefore hurts them even more. I feel like I cant even talk to her about anything anymore cause shes so judgmental about everything and will criticize everything and then proceed to be hypocritical about it.

But there is someone up here who is the opposite of her. This person is my one true best friend up here. Its crazy how she and I were randomly chosen to be put together and we fit together like two peas in a pod. Though we have our differences from time to time, we will always be there for the other through the good times and the tough times. We have so much in common that its sometimes scary how alike we are. I was lucky to get a roommate like her because everyone else (besides one other pair that doesn't count cause they knew each other before going to school here) doesn't get along. She has been my shoulder to cry on, and I've been hers, my crutch when I needed help, and my number one fan. This girl has always known what to say and do to help me out in every thing Ive needed her for. There are thousands of other people I could have been put with as a roommate and the school just happened to give me the best one. The one I can depend on, the one I count on, the one who will always be there, the one I love, my true friend, my bff.

We signed our cards in letters BFF
You've got a million ways to make me laugh
You're lookin' out for me; you've got my back
It's so good to have you around

You know the secrets I could never tell
And when I'm quiet you break through my shell
Don't feel the need to do a rebel yell
Cause you keep my feet on the ground

You're a true friend
You're here till the end
You pull me aside
When something ain't right
Talk to me now and into the night
'Til it's alright again
You're a true friend

You don't get angry when I change the plans
Somehow you're never out of second chances
Won't say "I told you" when I'm wrong again
I'm so lucky that I've found

A true friend
You're here till the end
You pull me aside
When something ain't right
Talk to me now and into the night
'Til it's alright again

True friends will go to the ends of the earth
Till they find the things you need
Friends hang on through the ups and the downs
Cause they've got someone to believe in

A true friend
You're here till the end
You pull me aside
When something ain't right
Talk to me now and into the night
No need to pretend
Oh, You're a true friend
You're here till the end
You pull me aside
When something ain't right
Talk to me now and into the night
'Til it's alright again
You're a true friend
You're a true friend
You're a true friend

hahahaha

is it considered running away from my problems if I get sick of all the drama in the place Im at and would rather be somewhere else?

There are no words to describe how I feel but what I do know if that I havent felt this way in a long time. Although things may not turn out in the most ideal fashion, I know that Im free. Free from your drama, and the people you chose to surround yourself with's drama. I realize that by doing what you did, you saved me from a life of more pain. I thought you were only thinking of yourself, but really you wanted to let me live a life you couldnt get out of. That drama will follow you wherever you go, but it stops here for me.

So with all that said... Thank you. I havent felt this happy in a long time.

I dont know exactly how I feel but all I know is that Im falling... fast and hard...


Im scared.

I wrote a new entry but its not finished. I almost fell to tears and had to stop what I was writing in order to remain calm. I guess it doesnt matter that I wrote this since no one reads this anymore, but if you do read this let me know so I know that maybe my words are not going unread.

Sha la la la la
Sha la la la la

You used to call me your angel
Said I was sent straight down from heaven
You'd hold me close in your ah-arms
I love the way you felt so strong

I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holding me

I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while

And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know

I miss you
Sha la la la la
I miss you

You used to call me your dreamer
And now I'm living out my deam
Oh, how I wish you could see
Everything that's happening for me

I'm thinking back on the past
It's true that time is flying by too fast

I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while

And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know

I miss you
Sha la la la la
I miss you

I know you're in a better place, yeah
But I wish that I could see your face, oh
I know you're where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while

And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know

I miss you
Sha la la la la

I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while

And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know

I miss you
Sha la la la la
I miss you



(posted for the same reason it was written)

All this time I was looking for love
Trying to make things work
They weren't good enough
Til I thought I'm through

School for 9 hours of my day (only every other day) and its all studio time :D

Survived the first grueling day by spending almost $200 at the bookstore on art supplies that I may end up running out of before the end of the session. :/ but found some chill people in my major to stick with for the next few years :D

First real project: Design an interior with 3 given objects (a fish chair, a giraffe lamp, a landscape portrait) in the format of a collage using colors from magazines and then paint it to grayscale. Make a mood map and 10 2" x 2" sketches to complement the main portion of the project.


Oh man, oh man. Class is gonna rock :D

Going away for a while... If you want to know whats going on in my life... find another way to reach me.

Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away

Frustration + annoyances + midterms = not happy Fi.


Let just say I need to close the windows, draw the blinds, lock my door, put the phone on silent, set an away message and blast music.

played a Co-ed A game. Pretty much sucked, even though I used to play soccer. I think the only good thing I did was get injured... though, I can't really walk cause I hurt my groin muscle (its on the joint that connects my leg to its socket, not anywhere dirty)

So right now, it hurts to get onto my bed, rotate my leg in anyway, use my right leg in anyway, walk sometimes and I have a fatty bruise on my shin.... Oh soccer how I miss thee...

http://www.apple.com/trailers/dreamworks/disturbia/

Freaky movie for just PG-13. UCD had a free previewing of it last night and it was awesome! Im not even a scary movie-type of person! I did have a slight nightmare from it... but it was worth it! :D

Next week:
http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/knockedup/

I cant freakin wait!!!!!!!! :D

I realized why I cant force myself to do it. Theres something I have to do. Change needs to happen and it needs to happen now.